It all started the night I hurt my neck while trying to suck my own dick. This beautiful lady from East St.Louis, Missouri said, “I’m from the Show Me State, so fucking do it, if you want it done.”
Me being half way to Jupiter fucked up, I seriously thought maybe my mouth would reach my pecker. She couldn’t stop laughing when I told her to call an ambulance, because I was frozen in a human pretzel position. After I made up a lie about slipping on ice and the doctors and nurses looked at me and my hot sexy woman, like we were escapees from a porno film. Rosita, my little Missouri mule mockingbird, left me after I was admitted for an overnight stay. I shared the room with a fartbag, snoring, gagging, puking motherfucker, with his bed behind a thin curtain, just far enough away that I couldn’t reach over and knock the shit out of him every once in awhile.
Rosita, never being one to miss an adventure, went to an adult toy store while I was incapacitated. She told me later she went to buy a giant blue dildo and some edible panties for a treat for me when I got home. She left the jack off joint and got hit by a garbage truck with a snowplow blade mounted on the front. While the meat wagon came for her, a dude approached dressed as an evil clown. He was walking a pit bull and had a topless midget woman on his shoulders. The dog went wild when he saw Rosita’s exposed ass and fine fluffy pussy bush lying in a snow bank. The clown threw the midget up in the air and tried to pull his monster animal off Rosita’s butt cheek, but its teeth were clamped and locked. A garbage man had no choice: he smacked the dog in the head with a shovel, knocking it cold. The midget attacked the three man crew from the truck. The midget lady had the muscles of a weight lifter, she used to wrestle in Chi-town and Toledo. She started with a Damascus head-leglock, used a chickenwing, went into a headscissors powerbomb, took off her panties and ended with a Tree of Woe rubbing her itty bitty shaved cunt all over their faces, thoroughly whipping ass on all three men. The clown and the pint sized woman cradled Rosita and the dog until help arrived. I was just getting out of the hospital, when Rosita was admitted. She had a double lawsuit going quick with a fast mouth attorney from television. It took some time to see any dough, but she hit the jackpot.
We stayed together for a few months, until she got pissed and shit in my New York Yankee baseball cap and put it in the microwave with a fuck you letter. I guess she was more in love with that big blue dildo and that green paper than me.
Catfish McDaris is an aging New Mexican living near Milwaukee. He has four walls, a ceiling, heat, food, a woman, two cats, a typing machine, and a mailbox. That’s enough for him. He writes for himself and sometimes he gets lucky and someone publishes his words. He remains his biggest fan.