Editor’s note: the following piece is meant to be read as farce. We do not condone the actual “snuffing” or eating of anyone, but we feel for artistic purposes it works. -M.R.
Crazy gal came to my place early in the morning, when I did not quite come to from yesterday’s “don’t cry Mommy”. Frankly, we had been drinking for a week with that fucking Uzbek, who, according to his own words, had killed forty people. When drunk he cries “there will be a forty-first soon!” He has nothing to lose, coz he is doomed. Cops are after him already, so he drinks everyday. As for me, I got cramps and nightmares. Why, damn it, I’m lucky to survive that bout.
Crazy gal is all dirty and stinks, as if she was fucking all night with bums in the garbage. She says in hoarse whispers, that she feels very bad, just fucking awful, and crawls under the battery of central heating. After a while she tells me that she is afraid to go home coz her boyfriend would kill her for sure. Yesterday she got fucking drunk and came home very late. And her man doesn’t drink nowadays and is angry as hell. Crazy gal was lucky, however, coz he was in the bathroom. She beat it. He followed her naked down the stairs though, and even onto the street, but it was pretty cold and rainy outside and he couldn’t chase her very far.
Crazy went to the Orchid nightclub and put down several shots of vodka to come to her senses. Then danced wild dances with some cool boys, and in the end fought with one stupid fucker, who always hangs out in this fucking joint and tries to drink at someone else’s expense. Animal! No, just a reptile. Crazy broke three of this mad cunt’s fingers and left the joint.
She could hardly remember what happened next. Mumbled something under her breath and soon was quiet. Fuck that bitch.
I lied back on my broken-down sofa with sawed-off legs and recalled how the other day me and Uzbek got into the flat of our buddy through the balcony, because the owner had been totally spaced out.
There, in that gloomy apartment, we saw a chick sleeping on the floor. Nice gal, looked very tired. Later, when our buddy woke up and came to his senses a little, he told us that at first that pussy was very cheerful. She danced and sang songs, told bawdy jokes and let herself be fucked by everybody who dropped by to have a drink. But, by and by, she became sad. Now she only lies right on the dirty floor with her eyes closed, and if she opens them, she immediately asks for vodka.
Uzbek went somewhere and soon brought several bottles of counterfeit stuff. We all drank and then talked a little. Uzbek offers to go breaking cellars because we are running short of food for sure. He stole enough vodka at the market place, but he is scared to steal meat from those big women who sell food there. They can sure kill you on the spot. He wouldn’t put it past them. He once saw with his own eyes them real cruelly beat up one bum who stole a tiny piece of steak. And Uzbek, incidentally, is a talented cook. He could prepare us a great roast. What are we to do for fuck’s sake?
And then one of us came up with a wonderful idea. It was necessary to kill this useless girl on the floor, soak her and devour her for fuck’s sake. We didn’t hesitate. The bitch was stabbed with a huge knife, which our buddy kept behind the sofa in case of emergency. Oh, it was what is called in German, Messer. We cut her up with an axe, which always stands by here at the door for intruders. Then the partitioned body was passed on to Uzbek who is a class chef. And indeed, he prepared an amazing dish. Meat with rice, adzhika and other spices. In his country it is called plov. The young gal’s meat was very tender, especially the hips.
So, I was recollecting for quite a long time. And even cheered up a bit. At last Crazy woke up, got up on all fours, farted three times and said: “No drink, no smoke. This is very fucking bad.” But she was still scared to go home. That nutty boyfriend of hers could really kill her.
I remember the time when this guy drank vodka and was absolutely normal. I often went to visit them then. They lived at the end of the town, in the suburbs practically. There was a ravine nearby and small houses where moonshine was sold. Crazy, when she was out of booze, was not afraid to walk at night in this devil’s region, where each day at least one dismembered corpse was found.
Once I went to visit them coz I was broke and needed a drink real bad. The conductor on the bus tried to make me to buy a ticket, but I told her to fuck off. Then she stuck it to somebody else. I heard her hoarse voice: “the girl in a leather jacket with blond hair, take your ticket now!” and I felt like throwing up. At the same time one robust guy in ragged clothes was bullying an old man in an expensive winter cap. Insulted him in every way possible, and then ripped off this passenger’s cap and threw it on the dirty floor. The old man said that he fought for such arrogant morons in Afghanistan and shed his blood. But the asshole didn’t buy it. He was real cool. As soon as the bus stopped and the doors opened, he kicked the veteran out, and after that started to bully the conductor. Fuck ’em all! Thank God my stop was next.
We had a very good time, me, Crazy and this guy of hers. He bought several bottles of counterfeit vodka and we drank till we all passed out where we sat. Too bad he doesn’t drink now.